Court Ordered

12/25/21

Dear reader, I find myself in a bit of a legal pickle. At times my passionate pursuit of Truth leads me down dark alleys when confronted with those unbelievers that cynically profit off the hairy hominid phenomenon. Too explain, I stopped in town to purchase sundries and found myself confronted by the awful reality that is the monetization of Bigfoot. A large woodcut statue adorned the sidewalk in front of the local grocery and a sign above the entrance read “Try a Bigfoot Long Dawg! Do the Dew and get 25% off each purchase”

Once inside I found a massive rack dedicated to Jack-links products, Yeti coolers filled with cheap beer lined the floor. Every conceivable Sasquatch related product was on full display and yet not of these fine corporations could be bothered to entertain the idea of sponsoring any of my scientific expeditions. And yet here they are, profiting at the expense of this magnificent species. I hate to admit that a rage suddenly overtook my normally iron reason and I set about destroying these edifices of vulgar commerce that adorned the interior of this establishment. The pimple faced boy behind the counter observed this orgy of destruction for some moments before running off into the street. Once the authorities arrived (thanks no doubt to pizza face) I was taken to the county lock up and put in the drunk tank which was according to plan. Before John Law made an appearance and after breaking free of the red haze that engulfed me, I quickly drank a couple of beers and spilled some on my clothing to aid in explaining my crime. 

If only this was my first offense, I may have gotten off with community service but I have a rather well-documented history of rage-induced vandalism so I ended up in court and have been assigned community service, to pay for property damage as well as court-ordered therapy sessions for which I must appear or face a more severe punishment. Alas, this will delay, if not ruin my plans for an extended hike through the state of Oregon so I’ll be making my way down to California once I’ve completed my service hours.  I’ll tell you reader that the thought of spending any amount of time with a proponent of the pseudo-science that is Psychology is a punishment worse than death. Only the feeble-minded would pursue a career in this nonsense!