Dear reader, that is, if there are any to speak of. I’m painfully aware that I, as a devoted paladin of science, must needs eschew all forms of human relationships which are only a hindrance in the pursuit of pure knowledge. However, even my steely objectivity is vulnerable to the emotional needs that are part and parcel of the human experience; thus, I found myself not only in need of what I would not go so far as to categorize as “companionship” but rather something more along the lines of proximity to the unwashed; that and a stiff Bourbon is my prescription for this regrettable weakness.
Having diagnosed the ailment, I made haste to rectify the situation through a trip back into town and to the nearest dive bar I could find. These types of establishments are best to frequent if one wishes to maintain a low profile, which was necessitated by my status as an illegal immigrant. Denizens of dilapidated public houses tend to keep to themselves. Having stopped in at a local bathhouse wherein I performed much-needed ablutions upon my person, I found my way to The Ohai bar, a sufficiently shabby structure at the edge of town. Two or three Wild Turkey Boiler Makers later, my spirit was well on the path to renewal. As 6:00pm rolled around, other folks in search of solace and solitude began to trickle in, and the barkeep popped on an old cathode ray television set to a local news channel.
Much of the news threatened my alcohol inspired equanimity until an item of great interest presented itself in the form of a report of a Bigfoot encounter in New Mexico; a burger boy had witnessed a large hairy hominid while being attacked by something along the lines of a terrestrial Octopoda which had emerged from a dumpster located behind his place of employment. An account of not one but possibly two undocumented species would be enough to pique the interest of any field biologist, but of course my narrow field of study rendered this tentacled anomaly of lesser interest than perhaps it should have. The eyewitness ( I would hesitate to apply the word reliable in this instance) described an eyebeam attack emanating from the Sasquatch, which is an ability heretofore unheard throughout the decades I have spent studying the phenomenon; hence I must at the very least track down and interrogate this child to ascertain if his claims bear up under expert scrutiny.
So friends, I sally forth on the path of scientific rigor which, once chosen, cannot be abandoned!
